WHY SOME MARRIAGES BECOMES WEAKER - DEALING WITH A SOURCE OF AGONY

ANTIDOTES FOR AN AILING MARRIAGE!

Marriage is a beautiful thing! Especially when experienced by two mature minds with proper mental and emotional exposure.

These individuals are expected to have common cause goals; divergence of views, yet peaceable; and synchronous in all ramifications of thoughts, expressions, unified views and fate, to mention a few.

Marriage comes with so much addictive joy, though; the source of joy may be equated to several other sources of happiness, and spontaneous excitement.

Marriage has been a platform to breed profound blessings, hope and peace.

Marriage is a dream comes through for many! and most persons that enter into this revered institution; have done so out of different view points, such as: ulterior motives, unadvised colossus, infatuated motions, as against indulging with True love as a pivot for building a lasting bond of affection.  “Different strokes for different folks”

INTOXICATING MARRIAGE

Marriage, could rather be intoxicating, it is a unique avenue where persons involved have equal opportunities for cultivating a non-transaction kind of love.  Love is frivolous and cannot be transacted in an exchange for whatsoever cannot be sustainable or stand the test of time.

Marriage, have always been my utmost desire from my younger days, and wishing, most significantly, to get into marriage with an intention to raise a beautiful home alongside my betrothed husband, through concerted and endearing love.

However, the reverse has been the case for so many marriages in our ailing societies today, simply "BECAUSE" of what either couple have circumstantially or inadvertently negotiated for in the process of marriage. Thus, the negative factors of such debilitating scenarios, have dealt a more precarious blow on our ladies especially, in their marriages.

One of such silent character trait which periodically decapitates most marriages in our societies today is severe and unwholesome emotional "AGONY"; under the guise of trying to work it out! The common slogan used is most likely: “work it out, or fight it out!

Therefore, finding an emotive balance between the sustenance, and the building of a lasting marital tranquility, especially, in an agonizing relationship is where the crux of the matter lays; hence, my writing depicts certain outrageous features experienced in some marriages within the context of this piece of expression.

Agony is best described as an unpleasant feeling, the suffering of intense physical or mental pain, which may include either of the following: “emotional distress”, anxiety, depression, fear; and lots more.

These are extreme feelings that may even lead to fatalities such as suicide. My utmost concern is; why should anyone go through that pain in marriage. So many individuals have been through some of the above-mentioned emotional suffering, because they have simply committed to remain in their marriages till death do them part with their partners; meanwhile, they are emotionally dying a slow death.

Ironically, lots of couple, who were once engaged and tied the knots with their seemingly “best friends”, are suffering today in their marriages, because, their best friends have erroneously mutated into a difficult partner in a miserable marriage, and they are patiently trying to work things out, in the absence of a non-committal response of the one “ailing partner”.

Have you ever wondered when couples say that they are in a marriage, but it does not seem like they are having the best of moments, or to say the least; happy and fulfilled in that marriage? What are the underlying factors responsible for such mishaps?

Succinctly, covering up the unhappiness in a marriage, eventually takes its own tow on you in the long run; also trying to present your marriage, or to make it look like your marriage is made in heaven, is utter pretense and undeniably deceitful, whereas, when you take a closer look, you may even discover that such couple(s), is in a mutiny of solitude, and perhaps dying in silence!

How long would you continue to live with such miseries, have you ever considered the side effects of such self-inflicted agonies in the absence of professional counselling? Have you taken a careful inventory of the “causes and effects” of nearest future outcomes?  What about your own happiness and peace of mind? Even if it becomes that you may be safeguarding a selfish notion of self-love and endearment; after all, you cannot love someone, when you cannot even find your closest bearings of the love cardinals internally.  “Loving your neighbor as much as you love yourself is key”

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN – AGGRAVATED PHOBIA

Protracted agony in a relationship or even marriage may degenerate into unfounded phobia. A kind of perturbed fear!

Fear – in this context may be defined as False Experiences Appearing Real.

Most people have certain phobias against their spouse or partners. Some have even become scared when their partners are around them at home; and happier or light-hearten when their partners are not at home with them.

I would not just blame those, reasons being that, they cannot spend a causal hour, let alone spending an entire day with their partners without insinuated or cohered fights, which readily evolves in the form of little nothings, to really intense insults or arguments.  Can you now imagine the emotional torture of staying in such relationships or even a marriage for a life time?

SELFISHNESS…

Selfishness - Is one of the greatest enemy in marriage, it can have a negative impact in your marriage. All of us can be selfish a times, especially when we need something from our partner, or prefer that certain decisions turns out our way.

Selfishness makes you think about yourself alone, and your immediate family; without necessarily thinking about your spouse and even your children in some given instances.

Self‐centeredness can break your marriage at any given stage. Self-contentedness – Is when you think about YOU! When the YOU in you, revolves around you!

YOU, having it all, saying it all, living by it all and it does not bother you if your spouse or any other person in the equation needs anything from you in that marriage or relationship.

The moment you become man and wife, the YOU, I, and myself should be systematically and consciously disquieted or substituted for WE, US and OURSELVES.  Furthermore, you should develop the “science or art of cohabitation”, through synergistically doing things together and for a common purpose and cause. Although, for some couple, that usually does not exist.

Self-contentedness eats up the very fiber of affection. It is a negative output for romance. Couples must say no to such vices, rather, you should endeavor to always make impactful and reasonable decisions alongside your spouse, and abhor making certain decisions without the unanimous consent of your spouse.

Both couples have the right to make decisions concerning the welfare and well-being of their homes! Yes, the man is the head of the family, I do agree with that; however, no one is disputing the fact, and that should not also give men an undue advantage over their spouses, or make your spouse feel less than human, or rather feel humiliated in that marriage.

As a matter of fact, my friend, Christopher O.G Aloysius (PhD), would never buy a family home, without his then espoused wife or partner, choosing the preferred home or location property, he even prefers his ex-wife such a privilege of her choosing the colors of the interior decorations of the entire home thereof, this same trend goes with all their auto motives too.

Although, some women fortunately indulges with a man or partner, who is always willing to do anything and everything for them, in the pretext of LOVE, but instead of them to be appreciative of him, they rather become selfish and chose to do everything their own way without considering their spouse’s feeling.

PRIDE…

Pride is a soft-toned killer in a relationship; the question is why should any reasonable partner, put up an arrogant show-off, or be so puffed up towards their soul-mate or spouse. A negative sense of pride and arrogance can be destructive in a martial relationship.

SIGNS OF A NEGATIVE SENSE OF PRIDE OR ARROGANCE.

1. The absence of the word: “I AM SORRY”

Marriage is between two best friends, your spouse is your soul mate. Most individuals do not have a positive sense of humor, inherent low self-esteem, and as a result, they think that by saying “SORRY” or accepting a characteristic short-coming to their spouse, is a big deal!

Invariably, some of these individuals portray a positive sense of self-image when they are outside of their homes and families.  However, when they are home with their loved ones, they always find a way to chip in the blames to their spouse and children. Blame shifts is a very diabolic measure to demean and brainwash a positive spousal love and affection – Christopher O.G Aloysius.

Saying “sorry”, or readily admitting a form of short-coming when you are wrong, is so romantic in a relationship; such an attribute or virtues, permeates deeply into your spouse’s subconscious and thereby re-affirms their trust for you.  Humility is so romantic.

Therefore, there is nothing absolutely wrong with rendering apologies to your spouse, when needs be.  It expedites unresolved emotional concerns in any marital issue.

2. Lack of appreciative gestures – “THANK YOU”

I appreciate you! “Love of my life”, “you are the sugar in my tea”, “the candy in my sweet!” all of such sweet nothings, aggravates the gentle dove of Love.

Although, for some individuals, the art or science of appreciation towards nothing or anything becomes an enormous challenge.

Saying “THANK YOU”, could be very romantic, it makes you feel wanted, needed and appreciated for the significant and non-significant contributions of your love-life for any, but more in a martial relationship.  There is absolutely nothing wrong in saying thank you to anyone out there, and most significantly, to your very own, “your best half” as at when necessary.

You do very well appreciate strangers and friends unceremoniously and quite jovially too; whereas, when it comes to your family members and spouse, you find it a very herculean task to freely express such virtues.

There is nothing wrong in appreciating your spouse’s efforts; it may even ignite the love-making beast in her or him.

3. Insignificant “PLEASE” or significant “ROMANTIC PLEASES”

Every gesture exasperated or expressed in a marital relationship, must be intentional, it must be geared towards purpose and precision.  Most couple lacks the word “PLEASE”, or “may I please”…

I would suggest that the word “Please” is a very polite way of seeking to defer to your spouse’s permission for loving and accepting you.  The word “please” is a very polite way of saying, I truly respect you, your time, your space and you are truly valued for being around me!

“ROMANTIC PLEASES”- This is a very deliberate way of seeking for your spouse’s approval even before your sexual urges and arousal.  So many couples, especially the men have not realized that sex urges and appeals commences with these sweet nothings, and immense gestures, such as may be expressed as thus: “I want you please Baby!”, “Can you please make love to us”, “ I really would indulge your attention please”, “Please may I have our supper, breakfast or lunch box ready”…to mention a few!

“Emotional companionship” is a very non-negligible feature of a relationship.  However, we are not biomass's or some form of advanced animals, that would not seek to sustain our emotive feelings respectfully.

Suggestible and generally acceptable norms of expressing romantic appeals would be, and I shall highly recommend that, when you want your spouse to get something for you and you could not use the word please, you are making such demands forcefully, and that may not be a conduit for romantic pleases, emotional companionship or even a sex appeal.

When you speak to your spouse arrogantly because you feel it is his or her duty to do whatever you ask or request of them, is severely out of a romantic order.

“Your spouse can never be presumed to be a glorified-slave; but your better and best half, by all means” – Onyinye Edith

4. The Key Driver is EXPECTATION… [Anticipated Hope, Love and Respect!]

Marriage is all about expectations.  Expectations are a key driver for suspense in any functional love relationship.  Expectations had rather be positive in nature.  The positivity in expectations envelops a vital key for non-sexual committals, yet potentially romantic in expression.

Most couple enters into marriage with positive senses of expectations about their partners; and especially their future together. As a matter of fact, they anticipate hope, Love and respect to be a watch word in their hearts.  Expectations are healthy to foster systematic love drools.  Howbeit, learning the art and science of a well thought out process of presenting a long-expected vibe is key.  “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”

We may have to learn to curtail a positive and sustainable sense of welling out healthy expectations within a spousal relationship.

Growing up with this high expectation about marriage and how we would want our future partner to be able to achieve our vulnerable expectations is important. Everyone will definitely desire or want something from their spouse at some given time, especially when it is incumbent upon him or her to perform such duties.

Can you now imagine the feelings of satisfaction it gives to the receiving partner, when such positive and well articulated or presented expectations come to fruition?

Couples generally act indifferently when they were singles; because only in marriage do your real self come out so strong.  Though, I would suggest that, the real you, should be expressed with a subservient caution of love, as it may be wise to always defer your weaknesses and vulnerabilities for the betterment of one another.  Never you assume that you are perfect, weaker; and perhaps more prune to decorum as preferred to your spouse or partner.

Seek for help from relevant professionals; but not limited to marriage counselors or enrichment marriage chaperons.  Endear the support of spiritual and mental tutelage from well advanced and godly couples in your marriage; develop the habit of these strategic educational means of support to keep updating the mercenaries of your love mechanisms for life.

Always do remember that, “when you stop thinking, you may start to sink and stink at the same time.

Avoid the titanic ends of your love-life to be let loose into a sinking boat heading towards no definite direction in life, hopelessly navigating your hard-earned emotional efforts towards a meaningless, “had I known” affair in marriage – Christopher O.G Aloysius.

“Readers are leaders” – Always have it at the back of your mind, that education is progressive, the level of education, intellectual and emotional exposure you develop in your marriage; will definitely determine the longevity of your marriage life-span – Christopher O.G Aloysius

Marriage is therefore for mature minds. Soon after tying the knots in marriage, would you perhaps now begin to assume that you may start to decipher the true differences in your uniqueness, thinking abilities, mindsets and level of chemical balances and imbalances.

She is your help meet, a support system, “your better half”; as commonly expressed, however, you need to prepared fully engage with her uniqueness and vulnerabilities, by spiritually, physically, mentally and intellectually dealing with her forbearance and enigmatic exorbitance.

We all grew and was nurtured in a home that is entirely different from our spouse’s home, upbringing and background; hence the amalgamation and solemnization of marriage is really so much endearing.  It is risk worth taking, when you have undertaken to master all the uncalculated risks involved in your marriage; over and above the calculated and predictable risks involved thereof;  one thing that should ruminate around you, is that Life is predictable, and you have a [100%  - One hundred percent] chances to nurture a successful marriage!

I. What happens when you refuse to determinatively drop your pre-recital expectations of what marriage means, or ought to be; or the interpretation of marriage from your parental point of views?

For the benefits of hind-sights, never you assume that two marriages would turn out to be the same replica – Marriages are working progresses; all hands must be on deck, for a willing buyer, willing seller market approach – Christopher O.G Aloysius

Another question will be;

II. What happens when your prototype role-model marriage is not easily achievable amidst you and your spouse?  Have you also thought about the conundrum of childlessness or preferred sex of a fetus in marriage, what is the lady in question or gentleman have inherent religious and cultural differences?

All these and many more, should be expected from a typical African earth-forth marriage. There is a popular saying that: “When you marry an African Black man or woman, you can never go back”…

Alternatively,

III. What adhesive or proactive measures would you implore should any of your pre-conceived marital idols or expectations falls through in your own marriage?

IV. Is God involved in your human efforts to make the most of your ailing marriage or relationship, have you considered bringing your marriage into God’s perspective and directives?

V. What are your expectations of your spouse, and if so, are your expectations of your spouse what you are also willing to admit or permissively adjust or adhere to in your own life as well, should the tables be turned around?

VI. When last did you religiously work on your character flaws and addictive weaknesses?

VII. Are you both fourth coming and willing to selflessly come to terms to deal with the real issues profusely militating against in your marriage, outside of the frivolities and trivialities.

VIII. What would be your reaction or that of your spouse, when you began to change towards each other, making your home uncomfortable for both parties, what would be your recourse for fostering real Joy!, because nothing seems to be culminating the happy moments any longer.

IX. Are you easily repulsive and inconsiderate in your thinking?

X. Is your ego and pride killing your marriage?

These questionnaires should help you to re-assess your ratings of the “love barometer” in your present relationship or marriage most significantly.

5. ROMANATIC SEX – CHOICE WORDS

Marriage was never meant to be miserable and frustrating, there is a saying that, “there is nothing like a perfect marriage”- well that may sound like a old wife feeble or a myth; I am not disputing that fact, however, your preconceived knowledge of this subject matter through a well versed inference or evidential point of references, may further substantiate your fact.

“Although, in every rule, may not necessarily be proven as an exception”.  I beg to differ on that notion, that marriages cannot be perfect; when the God that instituted it, made it for perfection.

In my mentor’s definitions, He asserts that: “Marriage is the successive breeding of two uncultured individuals, taming their unique expository cultures through their individual deficiencies, short-comings and antecedents, for a formidable cultural and ethical union that will stand the stand of time” - Christopher O.G Aloysius

It is a conscience effort to make your marriage work. It is a progressive effort, you can never master it; or assume a thesis of note as an emeritus about it.

I may have to buttress that statement, by ascertaining the fact that; you can still have 100% chances of a successive romantic love affair in your marriage, by forgiving yourself and your partner, attempt rewriting the scripts and start all over again. You do not necessarily have to separate or divorce him or her, should an amicable consensus be willingly reached and assumed by both individuals.

Sex is romantic, but romance in itself without love-making is also very sexy!... – Christopher O.G Aloysius.

Sexual urge is strongest in a woman, when you engage with her inner soul before the actual coital positions or penetrations; you may engage her or him via romantic touches massages in all the sensitive G-SPOTS that you are well acquainted with, tongue thronging, sweet words for a romantic sexual arousals, just to mention a few.

Avoid being sexually insensitive on the bed during foul plays.  Make the best of those moments, because they are not easily replicated.  Adventurous and spontaneous romantic sex moves with your soul-mate, is always a pre-planned gesture.

Focus on the romantic love additions and not insensitive subtractions. Do your best to refute any inordinate feelings or un-coordinated affection from your heart or from your emotional banks.

Please do not harbor any form of resentments or agony during and after a romantic sex, if needs be.  Talk it over gently and most erotically prior to making love to each other. Please readily forgive each other – even if it seems like the most difficult thing to do!  You may be sowing a seed for the unknown future of life with a different soul-mate after a failed marriage!

You should not allow anyone that you know or come across to remain in agony and misery for the best days of their lives, all because you want to help them keep their home and marriages intact, however, at the detriment of their mental and spiritual well-being.

Make it a point to listen empathically to their concerns and do your utmost best to render a non-emotive advice, be as strategic as you can to balance their concerns intellectually and emotionally too; always allowing them a lee way to look inwardly and ascertain their fate towards the future (known or unknown) for themselves; or at best direct them to seek God’s face, as well as to seek out for professional counsels.

You should always assist individual couples to get help and engage in a forthright, yet purposeful step to re-engineer their ailing marriages or fettered relationships, so long as they are willing to take fortitude or solace in reconciling the real facts, by meaningfully applying their consciences to enable them make mindful decisions to keep their emotional and physical health in good conditions, even whilst still dating, divorced, separated or even married.

Make your marriage or future relationship work, start now by out-lining strategic and achievable (5-10) years self-developmental planning phases by asking yourself mind-blogging questions in preparation of a preferred future; also in order to take full responsibility of your marital future in years to come.

Please be more detailed and intentional about your marital preparations this time around, do not leave anything to chances, Life can be predictable! – 

Onyinye Edith, June 2018

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